Fanfic
Must Haves *Mario gets a sex change *Mario loves Bowser - check *Coffee creamer determines time *Koreans rule the world - check *Lizard people run the government - check *Grass is currency - check *Sonic is a pimp *Samus is a stripper *Bowser gets a vasectomy Chapter One: Mama Mia, Here We Go Again I wake up from my bed to hear a distant cry in the background. It's Peach. She's crying out my name for help because Bowser captured her again. "Mama mia, here we go again," I sigh to myself. Why does the bitch need me to save her every time Bowser captures her? She saved me once before, so I don't really understand why she can't defend herself? At the same time, the migraine is a reason for me to see Bowser. The true reason as to why I save Peach every time she's in danger is to see Bowser. I've been in love with Bowser since the first time I seen him in 1985. I don't really care if Peach dies or not. Not my world to begin with. I'm just a plumber originally from New York. I get dressed and go outside my house. As I walk out the door I see my brother working on his garden of Mushrooms and Fire Flowers. He sees me and he stammers towards me. "H-Hey Mario! Are you saving the princess again today?" "Yeah, Luigi. I'm doing the same old shit as usual." "C-Can I come Mario? You hardly take me on adventures anymore!" "No, Luigi." Luigi sighs and goes back to his garden. Poor Luigi. I really don't want to be mean to my little brother, but I have to do this journey alone. I don't want my brother to see me have a secret crush on Bowser. A couple of times while he accompanied me, I thought he would find out. I was lucky that he was dumbfounded on our journeys. I leave our front yard and enter into World 1-1. As usual, I find myself welcomed to Bowser's minions. I stomp on their heads and defeat them all. I reach the end of World 1-7 and I am finally greeted to Larry's castle. As usual, I go in there and defeat his minions and reach his room. "Mario! It is a welcome to see you! Now you must defeat me in order to progress into World 2!" "Yeah, yeah. Let's get this over with," I mutter to myself. I jump on his head three times and he disappears into whatever fucking place he disappears to, leaving a key for me to enter into the next world. I repeat my actions through 2-8, and even when I reach to Morton's castle I do the same exact thing. Same with every other world. Same with every single castle. I defeat Bowser's minions. I defeat their minions. Rinse and repeat when Peach has been captured. When I finally reach World 8, I sense in my heart that he is close. My heart aches for his love, and I can't help but to feel a little happy and a little nervous at the same time. But I can't stand here thinking about what could be. I have to rescue this bitch so that I can continue to see him. After defeating all his minions and reaching his castle in World 8-8, my heart is pounding. I gently open the door to find myself surrounded by his minions. I defeat them all one by one, my heart pounding a lot faster as I get to his room. As I reach the room, I gently open the door to find Peach in a cage and Bowser on his throne. He seemed to be waiting for me to arrive. How sweet of him, but I know he isn't welcoming me with an open arm with his love. He wants to fight me, and I have to defeat him. I don't really want to defeat him. "MARIO. SO GLAD TO SEE YOU CAME TO RESCUE THE PRINCESS!" Not really. I came here to see you. I just have to put on an act. "IN ORDER TO RESCUE HER, YOU MUST DEFEAT ME IN A BATTLE." How about I defeat you in a rough make out session? Then Bowser jumps towards me and lets out a giant roar. As soon as he is in front of me, the whole entire castle starts shaking in an earth quake. "WHAT IS HAPPENING, MARIO," Bowser roars. Then I get hit with a brick on the head and everything blacks out for me. Chapter 2: Those Damn Korean's I wake up from the brick to my head bleeding and the castle is destroyed. My vision is blurry, but I can only see Koopa's and Goombas frantically fleeing the castle. As soon as my vision slowly recovers, I see that Peach has been killed from the earthquake. Good. I don't have to deal with her anymore. I try to get up, but my feet are trapped in rubble. I struggle to get out of it while chaos is still going on, but it's no use. As I close my eyes and lye there to die any minute, a strong being lifts the rubble out and carries me out of the castle to find some place safe. I look at the being, and it's Bowser! "MARIO. ARE YOU ALRIGHT!?" "My legs hurt, but I think I am alright. What happened?" "KOREANS ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD, MARIO. THE PRINCESS IS DEAD. THE EARTHQUAKE KILLED HER. I SHOULDN'T HAVE PUT HER IN A CAGE. I LOVED HER." Things would've been good, but I didn't want to see Bowser cry that the Princess died. I hated Peach, but Bowser did love her. "Hey, it-it's alright King Koopa. Everything is going to be okay," I gently pat his big, huge, rock hard shell. "We should find shelter from the attacks." "GOOD IDEA, MARIO." We find shelter inside a cave with a few Koopas and a Goomba. Luckily enough, one of the Koopas went to medical school and was able to tell me what was wrong with my legs. "You aren't crippled for the rest of your life, Mario. You should be fine to walk within a couple of days." "Well that's good. But what about food supplies? What about the others? The Koopalings, my brother, and the other minions." "THE KOOPALINGS ARE ALRIGHT, MARIO. THEY ALWAYS GO TO SOME PLACE. LUDWIG CALLED ME AND SAID THAT THEY WERE ALRIGHT. THEY ALSO GOT YOUR BROTHER TOO BECAUSE I ASKED THEM TO CAPTURE HIM WHILE YOU'RE GETTING THE PRINCESS." Bowser capturing my brother? I don't really know what to think about that. "Plus we have a bunch of food supplies right here, and the other minions we really don't know," said one Koopa. "I think we should stay put and see what happens," the Goomba says. "THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. EVERYONE. LET'S STAY PUT IN THIS CAVE." So we stayed put inside the cave until I fully recovered. When I did, we needed food. So we had no choice but to go outside the cave. We were all astonished by what had happened during our time. It was a whole different world. We saw that the Pokemon and the Pikmin universe collided with our universe, because we saw Pikachu's were helping Pikmin fighting Bulborb's for survival. We decided to go into town to see what happened after the attack to see a shocking thing. Every game character that we collaborated with in Super Smash Bros. was living in unison. We go to a grocery store and see that Knuckles, Shadow, and Tails were cashiers. They said hello to us, and we said it back. We picked out our food and went up to the registers. "That will be 500 grass leaves," Tails gleefully said. We all looked at each other, baffled and confused. "So...grass is currency around here?" I ask. "Why yes, sir! Ever since the Koreans took over the world, they were surprised at how beautiful our grass looked so they made it the worldwide currency!" Fuck. This is beautiful. Bowser makes one of the Koopa's pick out a shit ton of grass leaves and we pay for our food. We then leave the store with our food. "Hey, Bowser. What are we going to do about our living situation?" A Koopa asks. That is a good question. So we all suggest to go back to where his castle was, and apparently they replaced the area with a shopping mall. We go back into town with everyone having our pockets and our wallets full of grass leaves and we choose a mansion to fit all of us in there. We get our living situations together, and as soon as I'm nearly settled in Bowser comes into my room. "MARIO. MAY I SAY SOMETHING TO YOU BEFORE YOU GO TO BED?" "Yes, Bowswer! What is it that you'd like to say?" "I...I WANT TO SAY I'M SORRY FOR ALL THESE YEARS, BEING A PAIN IN THE ASS TO YOU. I DIDN'T REALLY MEAN TO BE MEAN TO YOU, IT'S IN MY NATURE." I warmly smile at him. "It's alright Bowser. It's all good between us." Bowser smiles brightly. "GOOD! WELL, I SHOULDN'T BE HERE TOO LONG, SINCE YOU'RE GOING TO BED. GOODNIGHT!" "Goodnight, Bowser." Chapter 3